The Real Reason You’re Unhappy
Have you ever paused to reflect on what it actually means to be happy?
These days it seems like everybody is chasing this whole idea of happiness. Every other book, article, and video I come across seems to try to provide an answer on how to find happiness in life. And this type of content always gets massive amounts of viewers and readers because people want to know what that answer is.
But our search for happiness really only ever results in the opposite. Those seeking to find happiness most often end up instead with an even greater increase of negative emotions like jealousy, envy, and greed that only further contribute to them feeling even more empty and unsatisfied in life.
There’s one thing that can be concluded from this pursuit of happiness that most of us are on and that is: we’re not happy.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it.” — Eckhart Tolle
I’ve always found it crazy to know that healthy and financially well-off people living in first-world countries have the highest levels of depression and dissatisfaction in life. But, to be honest, it’s not hard to see why.
I’ve spent my fair share of time studying the psychology behind what makes people happy, and more importantly, what makes them unhappy. I think social comparisons, feeling entitled to be successful, and a misalignment with important life values are all obvious answers, but I read something recently that explained the reason for unhappiness in a different way.
Basically, it comes down to this:
We aren’t happy because we want to be happy.
That probably sounds strange but it’s true. Harvard psychologist Dr. Susan David who’s spent her entire career studying this whole concept of happiness put it a better way: “society’s preoccupation with happiness inadvertently has resulted in greater levels of unhappiness.”
She found that people that feel as if they have to be happy or deserve to be happy, are failing to recognize their other emotions. We can’t always be happy all the time, but if you believe that you should be, then you’re only going to end up more unhappy.
There’s this major misconception when it comes to self-help and personal development because it’s believed that by working to improve ourselves or by upgrading our lives, we’ll be happier. But when you go down this road of trying to change yourself for the better, you’re actually fixating on what you lack. And your journey to become better only reinforces what you perceive your personal shortcoming and failures to already be.
This idea can be summed up by what Alan Watts used to refer to as “the backwards law”. It’s the idea that the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. In other words, the more negativity that you try to remove from your life, the more negative your life becomes.
The more you want to be rich, the more poor you feel, regardless of how much money you actually make. The more desperately you wanna be attractive, the uglier you think you are, regardless of your actual physical appearance. And the more you want to be loved, the lonelier and more afraid you become, regardless of those who surround you.
Wanting to be happy only confirms that you aren’t happy.
I think Mark Manson said it best in his book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.”
Manson states that, “The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. But, on the contrary, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is in itself a positive experience.”
If you can come to terms with your unhappiness and your dissatisfaction in life, then your overall outcome will be more positive than if you were to keep struggling to find the answer to happiness. Ultimately, if happiness is what you’re always chasing, then you’ll never actually achieve it.
“People are so busy chasing happiness. If they would slow down and turn around, they would give it a chance to catch up with them.” — Harold S. Kushner
Charles Bukowski is a great example of how the pursuit of something will leave you empty. Throughout his early years, Bukowski tried to make it as a writer, traveling throughout the U.S. in his 20’s while trying to get some of his work published. He took various jobs at the time in order to have a little money to survive while he tried to make a name for himself.
Bokowski did everything he possibly could’ve in order to make it as a writer but always ended up receiving rejection letters from every magazine, newspaper, and publishing company he submitted his work to.
Accepting his fate of never becoming an accomplished writer, he spent the next 30 years living a life of depression and self-loathing, fueled by alcohol, drugs, and gambling. And it wasn’t until he was in his 50’s and after having a near death experience, that he decided to pick up writing again, this time for pleasure rather than with the intention of making a career out of it.
He was discovered by a small publisher, and Bukowski later became a very successful and accomplished novelist and poet, and a famous figure in the literary world. And the one lesson that Bokowski learned from all of this can be summed up by the two words that were engraved on his tombstone: “Don’t try”.
Charles Bokowski’s lesson is about being content and enjoying the journey. When you learn to let go and stop focusing solely on the end goal, that’s when things will fall into place.
It’s not that Bukowski didn’t try to be a writer, it’s that he didn’t try to be something that he wasn’t. He wasn’t a good person — he was a drunk, he was mean, he was kind of a lousy person — but he knew who he was and he didn’t try to change that. He didn’t try to better himself to become successful, he didn’t change his writing style in order to get published, he simply remained himself.
Bukowski’s story wasn’t about determination or perseverance, but rather his ability to accept his failures and simply be comfortable with who he was.
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” — Albert Camus
It comes down to this, we perform best when we are ourselves — not trying to change in order to make more money, achieve more success, or find more happiness. When you try to be something that you’re not, then you’re no longer you — you’re trying to be something else. And forcing that change to happen doesn’t lead to fulfillment.
This doesn’t mean that by simply being content with being unhappy will all of a sudden make you happy. You may still have to make the necessary decisions and sacrifices in order to get there, but just like anything, when you stop focusing on what you don’t have you’ll appreciate what you do. And you may just find that you already have enough to make you happy.
Dr. Susan David says to recognize your other emotions and know that not everyday will be great. Sometimes you’ll be sad, angry, or frustrated and that’s acceptable. As long as you don’t expect to be happy every single day, then you’ll learn to appreciate those days that you are happy even more.
So, if you want to be happy, just be yourself. Stop chasing happiness and simply find it where it already exists.
This article was transcribed/adapted from this video:
